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Okay, I am trying VERY hard to understand the mentality that went into my doing this to myself. What I did was work the past two days, 12 hr shifts. The part that makes this unusual is that I couldn't sleep. Since my waking up, at 0600 Monday morning, until now... 0843 Wednsday morning. I have gotten a GRAND total of 4 hours sleep. I know that there was a lot going on.... but usually I deal better with it. What happened was that a patient, who had been on the unit I work for almost 3 months was supposed to go home Tuesday morning. Instead, this person chose to go into respiratory arrest, and fully code. There are only two things in this which I am glad for. First, this person's significant other wasn't there to see the code, and the death; and two, it was over quickly. I would be a worse mess if it had been witnessed by this person's family. And even worse if this person had lingered like so many do. So what the fuck am I supposed to do with how this one is striking me?!? How am I supposed to go on giving all of myself, day after day, to total strangers when currently my only thoughts lead me to the knowledge that regardless of what I may do for them, or how much I help them, they are just going to fucking die anyway. If not today, then maybe tomorrow.....



At this point in time, I honestly wish that I felt nothing for the patients under my care. But simultaneously, I cannot help but regret this wish. I want to be where I am, giving 110% to my patients. So what the hell am I supposed to do?